As Salaamu Alaikum. Authu BIliahi Min As-Shaytanir Rajeem; Bismilahi Ar-Rahman Ar-Rahiim. Dear brothers and sisters, I see and read a lot of dispute and debate about the matter for which we are all members of this group for, i.e., marriage and the relations between Muslim Men and Women.
Well, what I find to be the most frequent source of these conflicts is that we generally lack either all or some part of a correct understanding of what it means to be a spouse; and or our specific roles and duties as such. I thus offer only an insight of a tiny portion of this issue, in the hopes that some of us might find clarity, and then look into ourselves to adjust whatever we may need to, that we might one day be successfuil in our endeavor to complete half of our blessed Deen.
We must understand that Allah is the best knower, and that he has given to his Rasul (SAWS) (The Sunnah) the best of ways for us. It is not our place to say that we do not like nor accept, nor even practice his clear and factual sunnah, because then we are innovating and selecting for ourselves certain pieces of a complete way, which fits our own personal preferences; and that! brothers and sisiters is the opposite of being submissive to our Deen, and thus Allah (in as much as Allah would not have given the sunnah to him if it in it's entirety was not good).
So sisters first, you cannot say that you are of the Sunnah, but you "Do not practice..." what ever parts of it that YOU decide is not good. If Polygamy is the Sunnah, then we accept it! because to say you do not, would be no different than one saying "Well, it is the Sunnah, but I don't practice Wudu.." and it opens the door for others to argue such position, using your position as the basis for such.
Then, you must understand that the Sunnah allows for A MAN to have more then one wife. This has nothing to do with, nor is it my understanding that the woman has any involvement or say so in a man's decision to take another wife; but wether you decide to stay with him thereafter IS a matter between the two of you; but again to reject it is to be selective of what parts of the sunnah you follow and which you do not. Audhu Billiah!!!
Sisters are you aware that women are born Globally at a higher rate than men? This is, and always has been, in the sense population, a "woman's world"! Remember baby females used to be buried alive!!!? their higher birth rate was one of the reasons! So Allah being the The Most Merciful, do you think that He would want millions of Muslimahs to spend their entire lives unmarried and alone, and thus by way of such, falling into Zina and things even worse, even apostacy, when he has given to us that marriage is HALF of our Deen? Of course not! for allah could never be a hypocrite!
What then would be a logical and practical solution? Polygamy. So for all of you currently selfish-thinking Muslimahs, do you understand that even if every muslim man on the planet had one wife, that there would still be millions of our sisters without husbands and thus without families of their own? and before you say or even think "...so what... not my problem... oh well, etc." what if you were one of those millions of Muslimahs leftover withhout a husband and thus without a family!? answer me this ... how then would you complete HALF of our Deen!?
If in Islam we want for our brother and sister what we want for ourselves, would you not want your sister to be happy and have a family, and to complete half of her Deen? or would you rather see her fall into desperation, possibly marry a kuffar, and be lead away from Islam!? and then you complain of not wanting to share your bed with another woman, well, how many of you are sharing your MAN with another woman, but in HER BED and you don't even know it!!!! My relationship of more than Ten years was broken up by muslims fornicating with my woman! So if it is solely a matter of sex or bed sharing, what if the second wife had a seperate home of her own? and which is safer, to know who your husband also lays with and know her, or to not know who he is laying with nor anything about such person (which unfortunately I have seen is not even always a female!)?
So you must understand sisters that Allah knows best, and He has given His Rasul what is best for us! It is not a matter of Allah bestowing a favor on Men, moreso than it is a matter of His bestowing a MERCY on the collective body of the Muslimahs, in that he provides the faculty for you all to complete half of your Deen (by marriage). You must change your perceptions and get out of feeling like you would be wronged or unjust if your husband wanted another wife. Could it not be that he loves you sincerely, but (you not being perfect) he finds in another wife the characteristics he loves, but does not find in you; and which together completes his desires (and not just physical desires, men DO have feelings and emotions also)?
Always consider all aspects of an issue before your come to a determination about things; because from what am seeing and hearing now, every muslimah whom I meet, who is hurting because she is single and alone, and is having trouble finding a husband, is also one of those Muslimahs who reject the parts of the Sunnah where a man may have more than one wife!! and I am always shocked because most of these sisters would be married now, if they accepted an offer from a Muslim whom already has a wife!
Now, lastly sisters, I am not saying lower your standards, but BE REALISTIC when considering and when in courtship with a man. DO NOT expect him to be perfect, when you have flaws of your own; for example, how can you question his morals and judgement (including if wanting another wife), or demand that he treat you like more than what you really are, because he has certain things he will not accept nor tolerate from you or a woman, when you cannot even come to him (nor any man anymore) IN PURITY, meaning as a VIRGIN!
So while you have found him suitable for marriage, and he may have chosen you, always understand that THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER MUSLIMAH who will marry him! so treat him kindly, fairly, respectfully, and with APPRECIATION for the fact that he has considered marrying you ... because INGRATITUDE is one of THE MAIN issues that pushes a man away, or into adultery and fornication. It is your responsibility to demonstrate that you can, and are willing to be for him what a wife is supposed to be; a companion and friend, his sanctuary and the source at which he finds peace, and the focus of his emotions and affection.
This world is a constant fight and struggle for the Muslim Man, as he must compete for resources and the necessities of life not only for himself, but for you and his children as well. so if after enduring the fight and struggle for everyday survival of you all, he must come home to, or upon contact with you, he must fight and struggle again (with you),then you will have robbed him of the peace that he has yearned all day for, and will feel exhausted and that he must FLEE FROM YOU; and if he has to go far away, like in search of someone else to engage in courtship with and go through all of the formalities all over again, it is very unlikely that he will return! ...whereas, if only going to one of his other wives, it is very likely that he (loving you sincerely) will return once he feel peace has returned. So is it that you shall lose your husband permanently, or only until you are peaceful agains and kind to him!?
May Allah allow my words and insight to aid any of you whom it will, and may you all be lessed with his mercy and grace. Anything that I have said that is wrong has been of my own mistakes and or lack of knowledge or information, and anything thatI have said that is correct, it has of course come only from Allah. May He bless and save the worldwide Ummah of Islam. Ameen. As salaamu Alaikum wa ramatullahi wa barakatuh!
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